i just wanted to say sorry for all the foul language, it isnt right for you all to have to read that. yerterday i got home when dad asked me to cuz we were supposed to eat at two but didnt eat until four thirty which upset me cuz i could have stayed at gibbys longer. i am so glad i got to go to her house. i absolutly lover her and her mom. they are so sweet and part of my family. dad called me down stairs for yet another talk. i have to admit i wasnt paying very much attention. once it gets to the point where he doesnt listen to me and starts saying hes not perfect he tries to send me through a gilt trip. i have nothing to be sorry for. i was told twice, within this weekend, to pack my stuff. that really bothers me.

when he called me in he asked what my mom and i had decided, as if were plotting against him...  he also went to mom to help him because im "mentally gone" and he cant controll me. he gave me a big hug and he is starting to show hes sorry for what he did but he already chose beth over me. i almost want to ask him if he had to choose between beth and i who he would choose but i already know that answer. its sad he choose some chick over his own flesh and blood... it just shows me who he is and what he thinks is important. i think back on one day when we were outside talking about marriage and how grandma and grandpa reidhead are still together and hold hands and stuff and how they are truly happy and they are the right ones for eachother and how dad said that in three marriages he still hasnt found that....

everything thats been going on hurts really bad and half of it isnt my fault, in no way am i saying i am not to blame for some of it. dad said something last night that i thought was important. he said were here for the ride, for the travel, to learn and grown not to dwell on the bad things. yea we'll have hard times but thats not what life is about.

last night mom called me at around eleven and woke me up.. haha gotta love her. it was nice hearing her voice. gibby says she like my mom even though she hasnt met her and she says she seems really nice, which she is.

i live two lives right now.. one with good friends and a good education but a terrible home sitution and my other, people who love me and care but nothing is set. i choose between good and bad or good and unknown. im one of those people who likes to know whats going to happen, alway having a plan.

lulu and i went outside yesterday and played around. i sure am gunna miss her. she is one of my best friends here. we were telling secrets and making pinky promises... shes so cute. shes really gunna miss me. its sad because me and her have a close bond like sisters. shes so young and needs to be taught but i feel like she wont learn somethings she needs to know when i leave. even daymon, im gunna miss him too. sometimes they drive me absolutly insane but sometimes we have so much fun.

hmmm life is crazy at times and you never know whats gunna happen so we have to live life on day at a time. grandma told dad, sometimes enduring to the end isnt when we die but enduring each trial we go through, each day we have to live, taking things slowly and carefully. we will always remember what we do and how we wish we could of changed what we did, but the fact is, we cant so dont dwell on it. its not fair to you or those around you.

im learning from life, from others mistakes and mine. i wont make the mistakes they made and i wont repeat my mistakes, but if i do i know i will always have someone beside me, wither they agreed wiht my choices or not. i want to be the person everyone comes to for help, not because i give the best advice or because im right about it, but because i will listen to them and try to help them. sometimes you just really need a hug. gabbys mom gave me a hug yesterday when i came over. gabby invited me in and i walked into the living rooma dn she asked if i was okay and i just shook my head and bursted into tears. she was there for me and we talked about it but that hug helpped me soo much. i cant remember the last time i got a hug like that. one that the person giving it actually ment it with love and comfort. last time i got one was when i saw my mom... her mom sat me down and let me talk and she sounded like she cared and gave me good advice, she didnt make it about her, she just listened and gave me comfort. gabby is so lucky to have parents that are together and love her. yes shes been though hard times and continues to go through them but with parents like hers, everything is okay.
no my parents arent together and i am not close to my dad at all but i have my mom. i know if we were together she would just hold me and tell me everything will be okay.

things have really sucked lately which isnt cool but i cant keep getting mad and not being happy, living my life down in the dumps. no matter what i need to show a smile and act like everythings okay, not only for me but for my sibbling. they look up to me and i know they need me. things will be okay, some day.

i do not know when i am going to be leaving yet... four weeks at the most a few hours at the least. i dont want to tell any of my friends because we may only have hours to be together and i dont want them to spend it sad and upset im leaving. theyll find out when im gone. yea they may be mad at me but i cant stand them being upset around me, i already am upset about everything but im goin to hide it all... :)