uggg... EVERYTHING sucks right now. i cant do anything right. i cant go to Emerys babtizim, i cant keep friends, i cant do anything. i woke up late today. i couldnt sleep last night i kept having nightmares. i kept getting into fights with my "friends" and it usually ended up with me punching the crap out of them. then i had one where i got into another fight with beth and dad.  i just could not sleep. so i slept in and missed seminary and the bus and beth had to take me about a hour later to school. she wasnt nice about it either, she was all pissy and rude, again. i even said thank you, the firstthing ive said to her since i yelled at her and she didnt say anything. then she waited till i was in the building to makes sure i would make it in, what am i gunna do run away? all my friends are in school and i have no where to go... ugg.


what my dad said about me being "mentally gone" is really bothering me. i cant focus on anything all i think about is the words he told my mom about me and how wrong he is. im starting to doubt myself. wither its all true or not. i NEED a break. away form everyone. away form everything. no matter what i do it isnt good enough.


beth is still being rud eto me and i havnt done anything to her. she is now treating us even worst and her kids even better because she may lose them too.... uggg i just hate this whole situtaion. i shouldnt be going through any of this crap. i am a freaking teenager why do i have to go through this.


Megan and i are now fighting and frankly im not sure if were friends anymore. shes choosing a stupid guy over me. we were so close and weve been through the same crap. i would have always been there for her even when i move. he wont. im sick and tired of people choosing others over me. that may seem seflsih but i dont care right now. my dad should choose afreaking wife he wont be with together anyway. my friend chose a guy over me. am i not good enough?


physically and mentally i am so tired. i cant do anything i guess. nothing in my life is good enough.  nothing is getting better. they say its gunna get worst before it gets better, well i cant handle it getting any worst.


dad gave tesa a lecture about cussing the other day after some of the talks we had. who the heck does he think he is saying that i am a bad example to her? he cusses all the time and beth is starting to now as well. yes words fall out of my mouth sometimes and yes sometimes i push them out but not everyday. and i dont tell call people words. im also a teen, no excuse i know, but an adult shouldnt call anyone a freaking cuss word even their child or someone elses for that matter. its so rude.


i havnt been able to focus on school work and i feel like im failing, im really not but im not doing everything i can to get the best grades. theres no one to talk to about it either. if i tell my mom she helps but hse cant do anything baout it and she just says she sorry about it all. when ever someone says their sorry i usually just say everythigns okay, but with this, i want to say its okay but i know its not and it just keeps getting worst.


i dont know what to do anymore.... nothing works out for me. i feel worthless and some may say im not but its the others who say i am worthless that get to me. when more than one person says it or acts like it i cant help but doubt myself.

i just wanted to say sorry for all the foul language, it isnt right for you all to have to read that. yerterday i got home when dad asked me to cuz we were supposed to eat at two but didnt eat until four thirty which upset me cuz i could have stayed at gibbys longer. i am so glad i got to go to her house. i absolutly lover her and her mom. they are so sweet and part of my family. dad called me down stairs for yet another talk. i have to admit i wasnt paying very much attention. once it gets to the point where he doesnt listen to me and starts saying hes not perfect he tries to send me through a gilt trip. i have nothing to be sorry for. i was told twice, within this weekend, to pack my stuff. that really bothers me.

when he called me in he asked what my mom and i had decided, as if were plotting against him...  he also went to mom to help him because im "mentally gone" and he cant controll me. he gave me a big hug and he is starting to show hes sorry for what he did but he already chose beth over me. i almost want to ask him if he had to choose between beth and i who he would choose but i already know that answer. its sad he choose some chick over his own flesh and blood... it just shows me who he is and what he thinks is important. i think back on one day when we were outside talking about marriage and how grandma and grandpa reidhead are still together and hold hands and stuff and how they are truly happy and they are the right ones for eachother and how dad said that in three marriages he still hasnt found that....

everything thats been going on hurts really bad and half of it isnt my fault, in no way am i saying i am not to blame for some of it. dad said something last night that i thought was important. he said were here for the ride, for the travel, to learn and grown not to dwell on the bad things. yea we'll have hard times but thats not what life is about.

last night mom called me at around eleven and woke me up.. haha gotta love her. it was nice hearing her voice. gibby says she like my mom even though she hasnt met her and she says she seems really nice, which she is.

i live two lives right now.. one with good friends and a good education but a terrible home sitution and my other, people who love me and care but nothing is set. i choose between good and bad or good and unknown. im one of those people who likes to know whats going to happen, alway having a plan.

lulu and i went outside yesterday and played around. i sure am gunna miss her. she is one of my best friends here. we were telling secrets and making pinky promises... shes so cute. shes really gunna miss me. its sad because me and her have a close bond like sisters. shes so young and needs to be taught but i feel like she wont learn somethings she needs to know when i leave. even daymon, im gunna miss him too. sometimes they drive me absolutly insane but sometimes we have so much fun.

hmmm life is crazy at times and you never know whats gunna happen so we have to live life on day at a time. grandma told dad, sometimes enduring to the end isnt when we die but enduring each trial we go through, each day we have to live, taking things slowly and carefully. we will always remember what we do and how we wish we could of changed what we did, but the fact is, we cant so dont dwell on it. its not fair to you or those around you.

im learning from life, from others mistakes and mine. i wont make the mistakes they made and i wont repeat my mistakes, but if i do i know i will always have someone beside me, wither they agreed wiht my choices or not. i want to be the person everyone comes to for help, not because i give the best advice or because im right about it, but because i will listen to them and try to help them. sometimes you just really need a hug. gabbys mom gave me a hug yesterday when i came over. gabby invited me in and i walked into the living rooma dn she asked if i was okay and i just shook my head and bursted into tears. she was there for me and we talked about it but that hug helpped me soo much. i cant remember the last time i got a hug like that. one that the person giving it actually ment it with love and comfort. last time i got one was when i saw my mom... her mom sat me down and let me talk and she sounded like she cared and gave me good advice, she didnt make it about her, she just listened and gave me comfort. gabby is so lucky to have parents that are together and love her. yes shes been though hard times and continues to go through them but with parents like hers, everything is okay.
no my parents arent together and i am not close to my dad at all but i have my mom. i know if we were together she would just hold me and tell me everything will be okay.

things have really sucked lately which isnt cool but i cant keep getting mad and not being happy, living my life down in the dumps. no matter what i need to show a smile and act like everythings okay, not only for me but for my sibbling. they look up to me and i know they need me. things will be okay, some day.

i do not know when i am going to be leaving yet... four weeks at the most a few hours at the least. i dont want to tell any of my friends because we may only have hours to be together and i dont want them to spend it sad and upset im leaving. theyll find out when im gone. yea they may be mad at me but i cant stand them being upset around me, i already am upset about everything but im goin to hide it all... :)

i will NEVER forget this Easter!

last night mom called so i talked to her for several hours. it was about eleven thirty when we hung up. i tried to go inside but beth locked me out of the house. simple mistake she didnt know i was outside, wrong. she saw me and heard me when i fell down the stairs cuz i had a huge crashing noise. got to end around mid night oneish... not sure

i woke up to voices and jumped in the shower. got ready for church and walked cuz no adult was wake to take us. at church they showed up an hour late and asked for tesa and i to sit with them, i refused. after church the three of us walked home. when we got home dad had a talk with us again... for the thousandth time this week alone.

we went off on how we knew better and singled me out. i could help but have a smirk on my face from what he was telling me cuz he doesnt even listen to his own advice. he yelled at me and singled me out for stealing... stealing what? i dont know. i havent even used anyones stuff when if fact kaylas been jusing my sruff again. it pissed me off and i walked out. went straight to the gate but had to go back to get shoes and my phone then took off to gibbys. i was so upset my nose started bleeding.

i had to wait a while till she got home and even had to hid from beth when she pulled up to gibbys. she finally got home and welcomed me in with open arms. her mom came and gave me a hug and sat me on the couch and we talked aboujt it. what a releaf. then gib and i went into her room to talk. her mom brought us lemonade, which i almost made her chock on lol. my mom called me saying dad said she needed me to get it together and i am mentally gone.  whatever

after the call gib and i talked and i calmed down. her parents made us hamburger, which were really good and we eat dinner. then i had to leave but before i did her mom gave me a box of mini robin eggs. sooo sweet, the first thing id gotten for easter. they brought me home.  i love her and her family, they are super sweet and make me feel like family.

gabby ur one of my best friends, thanks for being there for me...when i got home tesa told me dad said we have to pack. i guess were leaving before school is out...

woke up around three thirty cuz some rude person turned the tv on full bast to sales commercials none the less... i was so upset cuz it woke me up and it was too loud to go back to sleep so i had to put my headphones in and listen to music to go back to bed... then i woke up around six and went on a jog. it was so nice with a little cloudcover and just the right amount of wind.

when i got home i went to get a drink and beth came up the stairs and gave me the nastiest look so i went to my room and stayed in there till she left. finally got something to eat around ten then she came up and turned the tv off so i went to my room  ive been trying to avoid her all day and i havent said one word to her or even looked at her. she keeps giving me attitude like you would expect from a sour teenager not from an adult... she gives me these looks and is so rude. now shes just going out of her way to be mean when i didnt do anything.

tloday i helped dad weld the fence up and he let me do all the driving. at first i was really haopy but then it got old haveing to turn on and off the truck every five mins and going foward back forward back.it was fun tho. i went inside got a water bottle and sat on the couch cuz i was exhausted. not less than five mins beth comes up and says numm that was my spot, thank youn all rude to me. the whole couch was empty and she made me move. wtfs i mean really? the whole couch and i was in one small part of it and i have to move, fine but dont be a bitch aut it

i was supposed to go and wash cars for a drama fundraiser but i wasnt allowed to... and tonight was out party... sdo i get to go, no cuz ive been a bad girl so instead i get to stay home and watch harry potter seven with the family.... uggg first i do not like this family, sorry but no. and i dont like harry potter, call me crazy but i dont.

easters tomorrow... am i gunna do anything fun, we all sould know that answer, no, once again. i guess were having roast, one thing i loved about tawnya was she would cook and she was good at it, beth oj the other hand... she could make a pbj sandwhich gross... thats just sad. she doesnt know that healthy things can taste good. no easrer candy for me, which is sad cuz ive always had an easter basket for as long as i can remember... guess thats what i get for living with dad huh.

easter isnt about the candy or the gifts or the stuffed rabbits, its about our savior and what he went throught for us. dont get me wrong the objects are nice but theyre just object and wont help us in life. it still sucks i wont be doing anything fun...

right now im outside on this water tank cuz i cant be inside unless im in my room cuz of beth, and all the spies... yes we have spies in my house. everyone is on their own, trust noone and tell noone anything or you will be sorry. its a nice night you can see starts, or at least i think theyre stars, sometimes theyre really airplanes...

its gunna be sad leaving this place, ive gotten so used to everything and when i leave everything will change. sometimes theres two road so choose from and you have  to choose the best one for you, or rather the one that means the most to you. theres good things down both roads and both roads hold mysteries, which one do you take? the one you know youll have friends and everythings basically laid out for you or the one that you have no idea about but youll know youll be happy.  hard decision huh

Today absolutely SUCKS!!!!

this mornign i woke and i knew sooner or later i would have to go through all my stuff in order to pack it all so i decided to go through everything. i took around 2 hours to clean up and look at everything and put it where it was supposed to go. i took a break becasue i was tired. jesse let me watch a movie on his computer so i was watching it, well sort of cuz it wasnt working, and beth came in and told me, "this room is gunna be cleaned right now, and when i mean clean i mean EVERYTHING" so after saying somethings under my breath i started to work. it was all finished besides vaccuming and the clothes but she said they were allowed to go in the laundry room.

jesse came in and we, all three of us, started tallking about how we HATE it here and what we like about our moms and just stuff in general. beth came in all pissy and asked what we were doing and i said nothing and she said, "bull shit, nothing is going on" so i said "we just talking as innocent as i would, with out my normal attitude. and she made fun of me and threw her head all round and replied, " 'were just talking' stop being a bitch, kelsey" and my smart ass mouth replied your one to talk. she blew up and opened my door as wide as it would go and said this door is to stay open. i may or may bot have said bull shit or somthing to that effect and shut my door. she pushed on it will all her strength and of course i was winning but jesse came over and helped. she yelled this is my house i can do whatever i want. my mouth once again replied, with out me thingkning i might add, thank the Lord im leaving. she walked off and said pack up your stuff.

after that i called my mom to let her know i may be coming home earlier than planned. after that i was full of anger and i couldnt stop shaking. jesse, tesa, and i just kept talking and stayed in my mom. tesa made the comment,  'were all dooomed' and we couldnt stop laughing cuz we knew it was true.

dad came home about an hour after everything went down. he came in our room and told us all to come with him. he sat on the couch and asked what was going on. no oone would say a single word for what seemed like ten minutes then he turned to tesa, cuz shes the weakest one, and asked what had happend. she started to explain everyting but i jumpped in cuz she wasnt saying it right. i tol hiim and he said he didnt want me talking back to beth like that. my dang mouth has gotten me in so much trouble already but i said, "you care if i talk back to beth but you dont care she called me a bitch" he said that she didnt call me one and so i argued for a bit then i just said whatever cuz i was done arging and he said that i already had my mind up.

my freaking mouth just wouldnt stop and i said yeah i wonder where i get that. he went off on me about talking back and said if i didnt stop then hed slap the piss out of me. so i said fine i wont talk to you. he said fine then sit your ass dont and dont say a word. jesse started to freak out and he let us go. about ten mins later i called my mom to tell her what was going on.

i came back in and started typing my heart away. he just came in and started say all this crap about how us leaving hurts them and how theyve tried to hard. then said beth had tried real hard to be closer to be.... blah blah blah i shut him out and wasnt paying attention. then he had the adacity to tell me to appologise to beth. i freaked out and folded my arms and got pissed. i could feel the reddness flowing to my cheeks and he said it wasnt right the way she acted but she still is an adult and i need to repect her. i said that i wouldnt say sorry cuz that would be lying and i was always told not to lie. he got pissed and said then i guess your going to hell just like me cuz people who dont forgive go to hell and stormed out of my room. then muttered if im going to hell might as well as have some fun with it.... wow

it bothers me to no end that she called me a bitch.... why would you call a child that, much less your spouses child? then dad asking me to say sorry, wtf! fat chance in hell i will say sorry. i didnt do anything to her, yes i was rude but still. she should say sorry to me for calling me that. wasy to make me feel worthless. she had done nothing nice to me since she found out i was leaving. thank the Lord im leaving. i dont think i can handle it here much longer.

April 20, 2011

Yesterday i went to the Easter Pageant with the girls from my church. it was emerys first time going which was cool. we didnt see any people causing riots so we were good. while the pageant was going on i saw three shooting starts and it made me realize my life isnt as bad as it has seemed to be lately. i dont wanna dwell on the past anymore, all it is is something i cant change. if it makes me upset i should keep that memory. life is a gift that can be taken away just as easily as we got it.

on friday there is no school to emmy, gabby, and meg wanted to have a movie night then go have some "fun". i asked my dad, over text, because hes gone and he said ask beth. well i was gunna text her and ask her today but last night she was being a bitch, sorry for the language but theres no other word to describe her, unless i say a really really bad word but that doesnt have the same affect. its not like this is anything new with beth. she is always so rude to me and i havent done anything, at least not yet ;). its really getting annoying because ill clean my room and tesa wont clean the bathroom but i end up having to do it if i wanna go anywhere and if its not clean its always my fault. she also lets kayla do whatever she wants but no me, what the heck.

kaylas gone back to stealing my things again too.... uggg that just pisses me off. she was wearing my shirt and has my socks. it wouldnt mind me if she asked but she didnt and if she takes it, its "hers" not mine. beth even backs her up on things like that. cuz beth "bought" it for her and its "not" mine. errr its so hard to try to live life to the fullest if people are doing crap like that.

ive gone to the counting method already. i have six weeks and one day left in this hell hole. i cant wait to get out, which is sad because i used to really like it here. the people here are nice and i like everything here actually but coming home to that house and those people in that house.... its not worth it anymore.

i know going to moms wont be what i expect at all but in all reality what has been actually what i thought in life. nothing is never as it seems but when you come home and wanna run away everyday its not right. i know i wont wanna run away from moms, even if things get rough because i know she will let me go to a friends and chill out or go to familys but here i cant go anywhere. im stuck in a jail, i go to school come home, eat if im lucky, and go to bed, then start over the next day.

dad always tells me to live my life while im a teen and not to grow up too fast. sometimes i try but then he tells me not to be stupid and not to act like a little kid. nothing is perfect for him. im not perfect for him but im me and he cant change that. having eight kids in the house you think he would want me to hang out with my friends but he never lets me unless i do manual-laybor all week. so its not worth it to hang out with them.

my mom wasnt perfect when i lived with her and sometimes i wouldnt even see her for a whole day but she tried her best. we always had food and everything we needed. (she also wouldnt eat food infront of us and not share unlike someone else. instead shed give it to us and we would usually eat it all) i KNOW it was stressful trying to juggle three teens and a job but she did a good job. i mean i havent killed anyone yet, right? ;)

if there is one person who i look up to its my mom. shes been through hell and back, several times, and a few times were my fault but shes just amazing. i dont know what id do without her. i remember when i was little she would sing to me, usually in the car at night. when i hear that song i cant help but wish she was here so i could give her a hug and never let go. im sorry for leaving her when she needed me the most, i will always regret that but i feel like its change it so now we both know how lucky we are to have each other and well never let go again.

moving here may have given me a new look on life but most important it made my moms and my relationship so much stronger. not only my moms and my relationship but all my family on my moms side, guess they realized what they were missing. before i would yell at her and say i never wanted to see her again but now i think about that if i never saw my mom again... well i dont know because no idea. i am so sorry for the way i treated her. she definatly did NOT deserve it. i am blessed to have her in my life. shes tought me everything i know, good and bad. sometimes you need to know that bad in life to see the good.

i dont know much but i know i love her more than anyone else. my childhood memories, the ones i still remember anyway, are good ones. when we went to the zoo or on eater morning, the many times we slept outside on the trampoline, and the time we slept ont he trailer and it started raining so at midnight we went to walmart and bought a tent, going to oregon, feeding the ducks, cooking smores with the judds, and swimming in the pond. i cant think on one childhood memory that was bad. we always make what we do fun even if its just a trip to walmart or on the wa from dads, AJO!!! hahaha

im glad im moving back. its where i need to be. corbin needs to know he has an older sister who loves him, my mom needs me and i need her. i cant wait to have a new dad! i love jason! i already consider him as my dad, the one that i always wanted. one who will make my mom happy and who will treat us kids right. her may be a little nerdy but thats fine by me. heck who in my family isnt a nerd at times, or a (_e=mc2_). jaosn i hope you dont feel that i dont like you, because thats not true. i welcome you with open arms. And as for Cheri, Dewey, Gretch, and Addie you are my family. you guys welcomed us in with open arms and made us your family. cheri you are the grandma i always wanted. dewey, you just make me laugh. gretch, well.... hmmm haha your one of the sweetest people i know and addie your too cute.


at times things will get hard but as long as were together, everything be fine.  

My Weekend...

in math on friday i realized i was going to see my mom and i got really excited. when i saw here i got a letter from Grandmother Opal Brimhall, she had put 20 buck in it. i was shcoked. Cheri also made me cupcakes, she made three for all of us but i took them all. boy o boy were they good! i ate some food then went to lay in my bed and i dosed off. i was rudly woken up when i had to go to theater for our first performance. it went great and it was so fun. i was so tired though.

the next day i didnt do anything really but catch up on sleep. my dad came in and had a talk with me. he basically said i shouldnt have yelled at beth, "my mother figure" and that i was wrong and it didnt matter i had to walk home. he said that i kept causing fihgts and i asked what he ment and he just gave me this look till i said i really didnt understand and he said i had this sorry attutiude and i was causing things. i also need to open my heart and stop being so mean. then he went off on my grandmother then my mom. finally i just told him to stop talking about my mom like that because i didnt want to hear it. he got made and slamed my door. soon enough if they keep slaming my door it will break.

i went to the play upset and not focused. when i went on stage i was saying my lines without thinking about them. they just came out even though i didnt know what i had said when i went off stage. everyone said it sounded normal so i guess im good. lol Lucas came to the play and i was shocked, probably the best suprise ive had all week. dad took me out to bahama bucks afterward and i went to bed.

slep till around 6 and then eat my bahama bucks. i cut my hair and then dyed the bottom of it them cut it again and dyed it again. i like the way it turned out. then i made doughnuts with purple frosting and pink sprinkles. i was talking to one of dylans friends and he made me really upset so i put on my shoes and ran. dad was gone as well as beth because they were getting the other kids. i was so mad i just kept running not knowing where or what is was gunna do. i finally took off back home after a while and dad got home before i did. thank goodness he didnt say anything to me or i would have been dead. i went straight to my bed and passed out. i hadnt ran that hard since ive come here.

woke up to my phone buzzing  and texted for a few hours. tesa and i got into a cupcake fight and she got frosting all over my face. then she chased me into the bathroom and got me again so i shoved the cupcake into her mouth but she spit it out. got even more upset from texts then went to bed. bad dreams lately, not good. this morning i woke up 45 mins late and hardly made the bus. i want today to be a good day but chances are it wont be. gabby ignored me, em and meg still seem weird around me. dylan and i are.... a mess lol and lucas doesnt really talk to me since i told him i was moving. at least i have ben to talk to.

ive been so frustrated lately. people just make me upset. at first i was so mad and sad i was going to my moms because things here were going to good, now that they have been doing down hill and fast i cant wait till i go to my moms. my dads had a sorry attitude since he found out that we have to leave. his lose i guess. everyone, besides my mom, told me things about my dad and usually they werent good and at first i believed them because its all i knew then i decided that its what theyve experienced not what i did so i didnt believe them and let things roll off my shoulder. now i know what he is like because ive experienced it personally.

if coming here had tought me anything its to enjoy things while they last, nothing lasts forever. and i love my mom more than anything and i have NO idea what id do without her. also that i will always have my sister, she the best thing ive ever beem blessed with. at first she bothered me and was annoying but now i know that we were made to be together. when she left this weekend i was so sad and im too glad were not been split up. dont take this for grantite. its not worth it in the end. you see what you miss and you wont be able to get it back. the little things in life matter the most, not the biggest things.