well.... did dad and i have a talk, No.... but whatever. nothing ever gets done around here. im so sick and tired of this. yesterday brother reynolds came over to help us catch the calves and take off the halters. one of them left an impression on its face it was so tight.
im looking into online schools, i think it will be the best for me to take as many classes i can at once. i really want to have some challange in my life. i know i will be able to do good with it too. i have the motivation to finish everything on time, if not sooner. i can take online classes during the summer and normal classes during the school year, if not some online classes too. i dont want to overload myself when i cant do anything but work but i wnat to finish high school as soon as possible. its not that i just want to finish but that i want a challange and i need to use my brains for something right? ive been thinking a lot about what career i would like when im older, i wanted to be a dentist or a dental hygenist but i dont think thats what i want to do anymore. theres so many possibilites and i just dont know anymore. any suggestions?
i have less than three weeks here and on saturday i will have eighteen more days. i think i can make it. things have been a little cooler in the house lately. not much has happened, i hope it will stay like this. emmy and i may hang out this week. i sure hope so, i need to get away from everything.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
well well well.... not so good, like always. i got home and watched tv while i got something to eat. then i went outside to exersize like normal. it was a little too hot for me and i pulled a muscle in my leg so i decided to go inside. i was right behind beth and she grabbed the screen door and the door and shut them in my face when she knew i was right behind her. i stood there in shock then i went inside. i went ot my room and changed then went into the living room. lilah was messing with tesa so she hit her then lilah told her mom and tesa got yelled at. i was on the couch and kayla was gunna kick snow down the stairs and even said she was so i simply said, "kayla, dont kick my dog down the stairs" then beth said she wasnt even going to kick your dog. shes dont it before. yea just like youve kicked the cat? ive never kick the cat. yes you have, ive seen you. umm no i havent cuz its stupid. oh whatever just shut up. then she walked out the door.
right then i jumped off the couch and was gunna go after her but dad was outside. i got my shoes on and took off. kayla saw me leave and i think she told my dad. i called my mom to talk to her because im sick and tired of beth being so rude to me. dad called me twice while i was on the phone with her. so i called him back but he didnt answer. he called me back and yelled at me for talking so long ot call him back. and that i live with him so i have to answer him no matter waht cuz he may need me. "do you understand me?" sure. dont be like that to me kelsey. he started going off about how ive been acting like a vegetable, not doing anything and moopiing around. i told him maybe i want to be one. only a few can make it in life like that. well maybe ill be one of those few. lets hope for your sake.
he kept sugar coating everything he said, nothing was to the point. he kept saying that i havent been trying and im fihgting with everyone. finally i told him to just listen to me and to stop talking and just listen. he did and explained what was going on, some of the things beth had done. when i was over he yelled at me and said theres alwasy two side of the story. i tried to explain yea theres yours and mine but you wont listen to mine. he got made and we argued for a bit. there was a lot of silent times. finally the phone call was dropped.
i called emmy to talk to her. she helped a bit. then beth came out to the field where i was so i went inside then she came to the house. when ever i try to talk to someone out there adn she sees me she comes over to hear my converation. umm i leave so u wont hear me, so back off. im supposed to have a talk with dad tonight.....uggg
i was txting megan and we fixed somethings up but i still dont feel like everythings okay between us... its complicated. i talked to my bishop and that made me feel better. he told me when i talk ot him start wiht a hug, say a prayer, and then talk and try to make sure it doesnt become an arguement. he kept saying to bring up that maybe its better if i leave now because he could tell im really stressed and i shouldnt be put threw this. he said it like seven times that i should bring it up. maybe it is better if i leave now.... i dont know. he wouldnt have said that unless he was inspired to... i dont know. he told me i would be a good missionary and that i have big things ahead of me. brawner reynolds told me that yesterday too. he told me to read my scriptures and pray. the devil is like a valcano, he can errupt at anytime and once he does, all hell breaks loose.
i tired of all of this. i only have three weeks left and i really just want to stay but i cant if i keep being treated this way. i will bring up me leaving, i kind of feel like its for the best if i do go. i would like to finish school here and get my credits but at worst ill have to talk online clasees to make it up.
i want totake online classes anyway. shcool has never been challanging enough for me. i understand things most people dont. ive been told i am very bright and im very intelligent for my age. i want a challange. i mean its cool because im not stressed out with work but i want something harder. im afraid to try to make it harded incase its too hard for me and then i do get stressed out. i tried honors classes this year and its not even a challange for me. its sucks. i dont thing the school im going to will be challanging either.
i cant wati to go to moms, everything sseems to be working out perfect for when we come home. theres so many things that are going ot work out. if i can only make it these last three weeks....
right then i jumped off the couch and was gunna go after her but dad was outside. i got my shoes on and took off. kayla saw me leave and i think she told my dad. i called my mom to talk to her because im sick and tired of beth being so rude to me. dad called me twice while i was on the phone with her. so i called him back but he didnt answer. he called me back and yelled at me for talking so long ot call him back. and that i live with him so i have to answer him no matter waht cuz he may need me. "do you understand me?" sure. dont be like that to me kelsey. he started going off about how ive been acting like a vegetable, not doing anything and moopiing around. i told him maybe i want to be one. only a few can make it in life like that. well maybe ill be one of those few. lets hope for your sake.
he kept sugar coating everything he said, nothing was to the point. he kept saying that i havent been trying and im fihgting with everyone. finally i told him to just listen to me and to stop talking and just listen. he did and explained what was going on, some of the things beth had done. when i was over he yelled at me and said theres alwasy two side of the story. i tried to explain yea theres yours and mine but you wont listen to mine. he got made and we argued for a bit. there was a lot of silent times. finally the phone call was dropped.
i called emmy to talk to her. she helped a bit. then beth came out to the field where i was so i went inside then she came to the house. when ever i try to talk to someone out there adn she sees me she comes over to hear my converation. umm i leave so u wont hear me, so back off. im supposed to have a talk with dad tonight.....uggg
i was txting megan and we fixed somethings up but i still dont feel like everythings okay between us... its complicated. i talked to my bishop and that made me feel better. he told me when i talk ot him start wiht a hug, say a prayer, and then talk and try to make sure it doesnt become an arguement. he kept saying to bring up that maybe its better if i leave now because he could tell im really stressed and i shouldnt be put threw this. he said it like seven times that i should bring it up. maybe it is better if i leave now.... i dont know. he wouldnt have said that unless he was inspired to... i dont know. he told me i would be a good missionary and that i have big things ahead of me. brawner reynolds told me that yesterday too. he told me to read my scriptures and pray. the devil is like a valcano, he can errupt at anytime and once he does, all hell breaks loose.
i tired of all of this. i only have three weeks left and i really just want to stay but i cant if i keep being treated this way. i will bring up me leaving, i kind of feel like its for the best if i do go. i would like to finish school here and get my credits but at worst ill have to talk online clasees to make it up.
i want totake online classes anyway. shcool has never been challanging enough for me. i understand things most people dont. ive been told i am very bright and im very intelligent for my age. i want a challange. i mean its cool because im not stressed out with work but i want something harder. im afraid to try to make it harded incase its too hard for me and then i do get stressed out. i tried honors classes this year and its not even a challange for me. its sucks. i dont thing the school im going to will be challanging either.
i cant wati to go to moms, everything sseems to be working out perfect for when we come home. theres so many things that are going ot work out. if i can only make it these last three weeks....
Monday, May 2, 2011
went to moms for the weekend. jesse went out with jason and dewy on saturday and tesa went with cheri that morning. so it was just me and mom. it was a real nice weekend. didnt do much besides lay around. mom made me cinnamon rolls, yummy. sunday went ot church and hung out iwht yvonne, tessa and jon, and mom and grandma. it was a nice day. then dad was being so rude to me because i didnt have my phone on me and he didnt believe me.
on the way home i put my headphones in becasue i didnt want to listen to any of them but i over heard him yelling at tesa because of snowflake. "what is that collar for? Where did she sleep?" all these questions and i almost said just shut up. it doesnt matter, shes my dog and my sister leave them both alone. it was annoying. luckily i fell asleep most of the way. when we got home i didnt say one word to him just went ot my room. then got a drink and he hugged me but my face was in his chest and i couldnt breathe so i pushed him away, i wasnt hugging him in the first place, he was hugging me. so it probably seemed like i didnt wanna talk to him much less hug him, which i didnt.
todays just like a crappy day. i dont wanna be at school right now. its not that its a bad day, i just dont wanna be here. so much has been going on and i am sick and tired of it. i dont have any of my school stuff done. im tired and wanna go to bed, permenently....
on the way home i put my headphones in becasue i didnt want to listen to any of them but i over heard him yelling at tesa because of snowflake. "what is that collar for? Where did she sleep?" all these questions and i almost said just shut up. it doesnt matter, shes my dog and my sister leave them both alone. it was annoying. luckily i fell asleep most of the way. when we got home i didnt say one word to him just went ot my room. then got a drink and he hugged me but my face was in his chest and i couldnt breathe so i pushed him away, i wasnt hugging him in the first place, he was hugging me. so it probably seemed like i didnt wanna talk to him much less hug him, which i didnt.
todays just like a crappy day. i dont wanna be at school right now. its not that its a bad day, i just dont wanna be here. so much has been going on and i am sick and tired of it. i dont have any of my school stuff done. im tired and wanna go to bed, permenently....
Friday, April 29, 2011
Corbin
Corbin,
i always used to think it was just the three of us kids together with mom. thats all changed now. its not the three of us but now the four of us. you are my baby brother. i love you with all my heart. you are so blessed to have been born to mom and this family. i will always be your older sister and always look after you. were gunna have so much fun when your older. i always wanted an older sibling who knew everything and someone i could look up to, i may not get that but i will make sure you have me. we have to stick together. we wont have mom and jason forever, but we can have each other. i love you buddy. life will get hard and sometimes you may feel like giving up but you cant. stay strong, not only for others around you but for yourself. enjoy life as a kid, get away will all you can. i wish i could have done more when i was younger but im glad i did what i did. get dirty and make messes, just dont chop off you limbs... no matter who says what, your my bother, no half brother or anything,
I love my little brother…I love my little brother,
He's the apple of my eye,
But there’s nothing thing I don’t like
I can’t wait to see him after school each day
To hug and kiss and play.
He gives me a big bright smile & reaches for me, too
My little brother loves me too!
I love my little brother,
He's the apple of my eye,
But there’s nothing thing I don’t like
about my baby brother!
One day when we’re both older
I may need his shoulder…
To lean on when I cry
Or pick me up when I fall
But you’ll have to bend down little brother
‘cause I know you’ll be tall…
Taller than me but don’t you forget
I am your big sister and I’ll never let…
Any troubles come your way
‘cause I’ll protect you each day.
about my baby brother!
One day when we’re both older
I may need his shoulder…
To lean on when I cry
Or pick me up when I fall
But you’ll have to bend down little brother
‘cause I know you’ll be tall…
Taller than me but don’t you forget
I am your big sister and I’ll never let…
Any troubles come your way
‘cause I’ll protect you each day.
I love my little brother,He's the apple of my eye,
But there’s nothing thing I don’t like
about my baby brother!
nothings really cooling off yet. everything is still up in the air. i found out what i was accused of stealing... its rediculous. why i would want to even look at what i "stole" flabergasts me. i told my dad that what was going on is so crappy and that we needed to talk because it really offends me. he said we talk when he got home yesterday, but did we, NO. i am glad we didnt, yes but things need to be fixed and sitting on my butt wont fix any of it.
i tried to talk to my friend so we can actually talk again. she blew me off, again but htis time gave me attitude. i can handle that because im strong and i know how to deal with it. but shes gone too far with emmy. poor girl is always crying over megan. she didnt do ANYTHING to desever it. megan went so far to tell emmy she didnt wanna be her friend anymore. wth! someone just needs to slap her and make her see what shes doing.
i cant wait till i get to go see mom this weekend. i need this break! i have to get away even if its for a few days. it will be so nice to see all the family and be able to breathe with out getting yelled at.
school has sucked for the last few days but its my only way to get away from the home life. it sucks that no matter where i go i cant get away. school needs to be over already. jesse should get his lisence asap so that during the summer he can take us to the movies or something. just all of us kids, no one else. although i am scared to be driving with him.... im not sure if i trust him driving.
ill be going to benson school next year, mixed feelings. i dont like the people there but i know ill get friends. im not sure if the education there is high enough for me. st. david was too easy and i dont feel like i learned anything. this school isnt much of a challange either. i fly through all of my work, i understand everything too. im in honors class so that makes it harder than the average student would have but its still too easy. i have good grades too all A's but like one B and thats because i dont always do my work. shame on me but the way things have been going i cant focus on doing my work.
i honestly cant wait ot move back to moms. i sure hope we will be able to get the house. if we do, it will make everything so much better. things wont go as i plan them in my head and i know that because they never trun out the way i think they will but it will be so much better than here. i want ot get a job so i can start earning money. ill probably just babysit so that i wont have to have work hour, so if i dont wanna work one day then i wont have to. i think once i move everything will get better but i have about five weeks left, hopfully i can make it.
my plan, which may not work at all, is to just ignore beth and let her be whatetever she wants to be. ill talk to dad if i need to or if he talks to me but im not out of my way to try and make things better becaseu i know it wont help at all.
ive gotten so close to mom these last few days. ive been able to talk to her everyday. i miss her so much. i miss getting those hugs before she left ot work. i miss her cooking. i just miss seeing her. shes so pretty. im so glad i got her looks! anyone who has her in their life is so special. i hope that when i move back home that our relationship will continue to grow. i know we will argue at times, but who doesnt? i just cant wait!
i tried to talk to my friend so we can actually talk again. she blew me off, again but htis time gave me attitude. i can handle that because im strong and i know how to deal with it. but shes gone too far with emmy. poor girl is always crying over megan. she didnt do ANYTHING to desever it. megan went so far to tell emmy she didnt wanna be her friend anymore. wth! someone just needs to slap her and make her see what shes doing.
i cant wait till i get to go see mom this weekend. i need this break! i have to get away even if its for a few days. it will be so nice to see all the family and be able to breathe with out getting yelled at.
school has sucked for the last few days but its my only way to get away from the home life. it sucks that no matter where i go i cant get away. school needs to be over already. jesse should get his lisence asap so that during the summer he can take us to the movies or something. just all of us kids, no one else. although i am scared to be driving with him.... im not sure if i trust him driving.
ill be going to benson school next year, mixed feelings. i dont like the people there but i know ill get friends. im not sure if the education there is high enough for me. st. david was too easy and i dont feel like i learned anything. this school isnt much of a challange either. i fly through all of my work, i understand everything too. im in honors class so that makes it harder than the average student would have but its still too easy. i have good grades too all A's but like one B and thats because i dont always do my work. shame on me but the way things have been going i cant focus on doing my work.
i honestly cant wait ot move back to moms. i sure hope we will be able to get the house. if we do, it will make everything so much better. things wont go as i plan them in my head and i know that because they never trun out the way i think they will but it will be so much better than here. i want ot get a job so i can start earning money. ill probably just babysit so that i wont have to have work hour, so if i dont wanna work one day then i wont have to. i think once i move everything will get better but i have about five weeks left, hopfully i can make it.
my plan, which may not work at all, is to just ignore beth and let her be whatetever she wants to be. ill talk to dad if i need to or if he talks to me but im not out of my way to try and make things better becaseu i know it wont help at all.
ive gotten so close to mom these last few days. ive been able to talk to her everyday. i miss her so much. i miss getting those hugs before she left ot work. i miss her cooking. i just miss seeing her. shes so pretty. im so glad i got her looks! anyone who has her in their life is so special. i hope that when i move back home that our relationship will continue to grow. i know we will argue at times, but who doesnt? i just cant wait!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
when nothing goes right, go left... ive gone left and it only made things worst. now im having to retrace my steps so i can go right again. i was a fresh start when i move, a whole new beginning. no more of all this drama crap, No more of parent drama, no more dad or beth. NO more! i will keep a few friends and thats it. the ones who treat me right ill keep the others ill forget.
i hate feeling like my world is crahsing down on me and i cant do anything about it. i try to stand up and be strong but the ones falling on me are stronger. ive been through so much crap in my life, and yea its not fair. ive seen things and been through things i hope no one else has to go through. ive always wished for a better life, didnt have to be perfect just better than the one i got now. well i dont get it, i have what i have and i have to live with that.
why cant i be happy? why cant i do anything right? when will it get better? who knows? people try to make me happier but it doesnt help, saying sorry help a little but i just feel bad again. i need to go out and have some real fun so i can just forget about everything wrong in my life.
i hate feeling like my world is crahsing down on me and i cant do anything about it. i try to stand up and be strong but the ones falling on me are stronger. ive been through so much crap in my life, and yea its not fair. ive seen things and been through things i hope no one else has to go through. ive always wished for a better life, didnt have to be perfect just better than the one i got now. well i dont get it, i have what i have and i have to live with that.
why cant i be happy? why cant i do anything right? when will it get better? who knows? people try to make me happier but it doesnt help, saying sorry help a little but i just feel bad again. i need to go out and have some real fun so i can just forget about everything wrong in my life.
uggg... EVERYTHING sucks right now. i cant do anything right. i cant go to Emerys babtizim, i cant keep friends, i cant do anything. i woke up late today. i couldnt sleep last night i kept having nightmares. i kept getting into fights with my "friends" and it usually ended up with me punching the crap out of them. then i had one where i got into another fight with beth and dad. i just could not sleep. so i slept in and missed seminary and the bus and beth had to take me about a hour later to school. she wasnt nice about it either, she was all pissy and rude, again. i even said thank you, the firstthing ive said to her since i yelled at her and she didnt say anything. then she waited till i was in the building to makes sure i would make it in, what am i gunna do run away? all my friends are in school and i have no where to go... ugg.
what my dad said about me being "mentally gone" is really bothering me. i cant focus on anything all i think about is the words he told my mom about me and how wrong he is. im starting to doubt myself. wither its all true or not. i NEED a break. away form everyone. away form everything. no matter what i do it isnt good enough.
beth is still being rud eto me and i havnt done anything to her. she is now treating us even worst and her kids even better because she may lose them too.... uggg i just hate this whole situtaion. i shouldnt be going through any of this crap. i am a freaking teenager why do i have to go through this.
Megan and i are now fighting and frankly im not sure if were friends anymore. shes choosing a stupid guy over me. we were so close and weve been through the same crap. i would have always been there for her even when i move. he wont. im sick and tired of people choosing others over me. that may seem seflsih but i dont care right now. my dad should choose afreaking wife he wont be with together anyway. my friend chose a guy over me. am i not good enough?
physically and mentally i am so tired. i cant do anything i guess. nothing in my life is good enough. nothing is getting better. they say its gunna get worst before it gets better, well i cant handle it getting any worst.
dad gave tesa a lecture about cussing the other day after some of the talks we had. who the heck does he think he is saying that i am a bad example to her? he cusses all the time and beth is starting to now as well. yes words fall out of my mouth sometimes and yes sometimes i push them out but not everyday. and i dont tell call people words. im also a teen, no excuse i know, but an adult shouldnt call anyone a freaking cuss word even their child or someone elses for that matter. its so rude.
i havnt been able to focus on school work and i feel like im failing, im really not but im not doing everything i can to get the best grades. theres no one to talk to about it either. if i tell my mom she helps but hse cant do anything baout it and she just says she sorry about it all. when ever someone says their sorry i usually just say everythigns okay, but with this, i want to say its okay but i know its not and it just keeps getting worst.
i dont know what to do anymore.... nothing works out for me. i feel worthless and some may say im not but its the others who say i am worthless that get to me. when more than one person says it or acts like it i cant help but doubt myself.
what my dad said about me being "mentally gone" is really bothering me. i cant focus on anything all i think about is the words he told my mom about me and how wrong he is. im starting to doubt myself. wither its all true or not. i NEED a break. away form everyone. away form everything. no matter what i do it isnt good enough.
beth is still being rud eto me and i havnt done anything to her. she is now treating us even worst and her kids even better because she may lose them too.... uggg i just hate this whole situtaion. i shouldnt be going through any of this crap. i am a freaking teenager why do i have to go through this.
Megan and i are now fighting and frankly im not sure if were friends anymore. shes choosing a stupid guy over me. we were so close and weve been through the same crap. i would have always been there for her even when i move. he wont. im sick and tired of people choosing others over me. that may seem seflsih but i dont care right now. my dad should choose afreaking wife he wont be with together anyway. my friend chose a guy over me. am i not good enough?
physically and mentally i am so tired. i cant do anything i guess. nothing in my life is good enough. nothing is getting better. they say its gunna get worst before it gets better, well i cant handle it getting any worst.
dad gave tesa a lecture about cussing the other day after some of the talks we had. who the heck does he think he is saying that i am a bad example to her? he cusses all the time and beth is starting to now as well. yes words fall out of my mouth sometimes and yes sometimes i push them out but not everyday. and i dont tell call people words. im also a teen, no excuse i know, but an adult shouldnt call anyone a freaking cuss word even their child or someone elses for that matter. its so rude.
i havnt been able to focus on school work and i feel like im failing, im really not but im not doing everything i can to get the best grades. theres no one to talk to about it either. if i tell my mom she helps but hse cant do anything baout it and she just says she sorry about it all. when ever someone says their sorry i usually just say everythigns okay, but with this, i want to say its okay but i know its not and it just keeps getting worst.
i dont know what to do anymore.... nothing works out for me. i feel worthless and some may say im not but its the others who say i am worthless that get to me. when more than one person says it or acts like it i cant help but doubt myself.
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