Last Two Days

monday... did absolutly nothing. i sat in my bed listening to music and playing games  one of the worst days ever. it kinda made me sick, also the fact in not eating could be a reason too, but oh well.

yesterday i woke up and found out i was supposed to go to the movies with  beth, ummmm noooo. not gunna happen. i got my way out of it but all the other kids had to go. i stayed and helpped dad pack his stuff for mexico. when we went to the store he kept singing.

next was gabbys. we went swimming and guess who showed up... lucas. i was shocked and happy in the same moment. two best friends in one day. after swimming gabby and i watched a movie. it was super funny. then we had to go swimming again for mutual.

it was fun. as i tried to push zac into the pool wyatt came from behind and pushed me in. jesse came too late and didnt get to swim. i dont know why we had to leave so soon cuz theres no school and were not doin anything today. he was upset he didnt get to and i dont blame him. beth was mad when i showed up late to the car cuz i was pushed in, whatever.

i came home and was exhasted so i went to bed. today im gunna sit on my lazy butt and do... nothing. hahaha.

Probably not the worst

i was punishing myself. i dont know why but i was. i had nothing to eat or drink the first day besides three cookies i snuck from home. i was hungry but the sight or smell of food made me sick. i stayed in my room, looking out the window on and off. music has been my only intertainment besides the few boring games i downloaded on my phone.

my father had a talk with me that night expaining he knew i didnt want to be here but to try to make it the best. around ten thirty i ate something and it made me sick.

sunday came and got ready for church, it was alright. took a nap.

the bruise on my arm wont go away but in fact is getting bigger and darker. first it creats a yellowish linning then turns it purple and it happens again. i havent been eating lately. weird for me because i love to eat. i sleep all the time and still feel bad afterward. im starting to get worried something is wrong with me, something serious. i bruise so easily when i never used to. i get light headed and almost pass out every time i stand up.... somethings wrong

Back to Hell...

long time, no talk. sorry bout that... well today

it started as any normal day, boy was i wrong. mom got an email from dad saying hed come and get us today at five, which turned into six thirty... i was so upset. not only did i have to go but not even a day to pack. luckly i had most my stuff packed to move to the new house anyway. leah came over with her kids and emerson and i made cookies,l like always lol. he got us and i got a hey kelsey, no reply, kelsey, what, hey, hey and i rolled my eyes. i hate how he thinks everything is okay between us. well its not. daymon can me to gave me a big hug and said he mkissed me. love that kid. beth didnt even look at me and wayb rude. im tired of this crap. i get home and find out we switched rooms, great. i walk in the trash was knocked over, both beds are broken, one wasnt even a bed besides a stained mattrewss with sheet folded on the bed. the closets gone to hell and the drawers to the dresser werent cleaned for who knows how long. it smells soooo bad in here, just like cigerettes.... not a fan. the blinds are broken to the one window faceing th high way. im in hell all over again but this time its worst. before i had a bathroom and a mirror in my room now i dont and i have to share the bathroom with the boys... when i say kayla she was wearing a low cut shirt that was tied and spandex that were wayyy tooo short. and dad yelled at me for the way i dressed??? whatever. im almost in tears wanting to go home and i just got here. not good. ive decided im not unpacking just in case im told to get the hell outta the house again. why couldnt today just be a normal day??? nothing special just a normal day.... r

GUESS WHAT!!!

I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
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I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
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I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!
I AM LEAVING TODAY!!!!!!

As of lately...

 i have 2 days 14 hours 45 minuntes left here! i am SOOO happy!!! :) i havent been writing lately and there has been so much that has happened. yes theres been some fights, of course lol. im in a great mood right now if you couldnt tell.

so all week, last week, i was cleaning my room so gabby and emmy could come over but on thursday... well something happened. i was cleaning my bathroom and heard yelling so i went into the hall and beth was in jesses face yelling hit me hit me i dare you go ahead and hit me ill call the cops on you. i said what the hell is going on and she said that we had been being asses to her. umm ive been cleaning my room actually. she started yelling at me and got in my face telling me to hit her and she was acting like she was going to hit me and i said i wasnt going to while my hands were in the air by my head, my palms were faceing her like you would if you were at gun point. then she started yelling at me to get the hell out of the house of shed call the cops and i said go ahead i dont care. she took off outside and i called mom to tell her i may have to cops called on me.

i "ACCIDENTLY" overheard beth that night telling someone that we were idiotic kids coming after her and shes afraid to be in her own house. then told them she was so close to punch the shit out of me. and jesse was in her face threatening her and that tesa leaves bruises on her and i taunt my mom. all this crap, well i go tosme of it recorded and i took notes. maybe you shouldnt talk to some one on the deck when its rihgt next to my room... dad came home yelled at her and left. that night we were all in bed and he called us down and yelled t all of us. he took away all phones, tv rights, computer privaliges, everything. then let us go to bed.

my dog was OUTSIDE and i went to get her and beth said no you dont and told dad like a little girl. he yelled at me to come but i couldnt find sbnow and so i burstedinto tears on my way downa nd beth was all oh whatever kelsey all rude to me. he yelled at me and i was pissed by then. they made her stay outside all night but at one i let her in until morning. they kept her outsid efrom then on.

i went ot school and told my friends we couldnt hang out. i go thome took my cell phone back and took off for a walk. dad was gone and i was NOT gunna stay home with beth alone. i went down the back road, passed the church, stayed by the ditch for a bit. the water was running and it was reminding me of some good old times. then i went down the road some more to this huge tree. i walked around it and found a way to the trunk, i looked up. the perfect tree for climbing. i climbed till i was about 10 ft off the ground. there was all these twigs like a birds nest but human sized so i sat down on it and stayed for a while. he told me if i didnt come home he would call the cops on me cuz he doesnt have to deal with this crap. i came home and we had a talk.

he told me to give him my phone back and i said no. i told himi didnt know hwere it was and that pissed him off. i went into my bathroom to clean up from crying and he came in. i shut the door after he yelled at me a bit. he slammed the door open and it hit me pretty hard then he went to grab my arm. he barely got a finger on me when i backed up and said DONT touch me. he told me you need to be careful little girl. he took my charger from me and left.

that morning he came and yelled at me saying this wasnt over and im still in trouble. i told him to go away and i didnt wanna hear him. he yelled and said your mine for the next three days so you better watch it. if it were 60 years ago, even 20 i would beat your ass with a 4 foot stick and youd deserve it and you still do right now. that built fire in me and i started to become a little afraid he would hurt me. i got dressed to go to tesas play and he came in and said what are you all dressed up for. i was like tesa play, no your not going, why, your grounded, i dont understand why i have to be grounded, your not really gunna make me say it, i dont know why, i fyou go i will call the cops.... I AM FREAKIN TIRED of being told that im having the cops called on me. im a teenager for crying out loud. this is so stupid and rediculous!!! my tought is that if someone tells you to get the hell out of the house and the cops will be called, both have happened MANY times to me, you should take the note and know that your not wanted. why would dad even fight for me to be with him when 1 i HATE it there and 2 im always being told crap like that. he sayd its the heat of the moment and people say what they wouldnt other wise. but it keeps happpening so there something more that just the heat of the moment....

i didnt get ot go but mom came by and gave me some treats Leah made us, THANK YOU Leah!!! i had mom take snow with her, she didnt deserve tto be treated like crap too.

dad came home and thanked me for not going and asked if i talked to mom, i said no not thinking. Lilah told beth my mom came by and dad rushed ina dnyelled at me for lying and told me all this crap about how im not good enougha dn basically tld me i was stupid. then he asked where snow was and sarah said that my mom took her and he came in aand yelled at me agian saying that i was only thingking about myself and not my dog and that i was going to kill her. i said she was safer there than here and that really pissed him off. i just went ot bed.

that morning i got ready for church and PACKED ALL MY STUFF, i still have a bit that isnt packed but that will change this afternoon. i took off my clothes because a hour and half passed after church started. he came in and told me to get dressed because we were leaving. i went to my class room and dad said my name and waved and said hi like we were close family i rolled my eyes and turned straight to my class.
we talked abou the lost sheep in suday school and temple marraige in young womens.

when i go out i got a text that said i took beth to the emergancy room from my dad. she stopeed breathing apperently. brother reynolds took us home but jesse had a meeting with bishop. brawner called me later and asked chicken or pizza i was confused and asked what he ment. he was bring us dinner and i said not to worry about it. but he brought us pizza. instead of going to little ceazars down the road he went into town and got papa johns... thanks i felt guilty already and he wasnt making it any easier.

dad came home and we were watching tv so to cover up we played uno, I WON! but he caught us but we didnt get into trouble. guess what we had for dinner, CHICKEN lol. we eat and played uno until about 845. i kept winning so everyone called me a cheater but when tesa shuffled and i won they got kind of mad. i was in bed and jeran came in and gave us all our stuff back that dad had taken.

things have seemed to calm down a bit but im stressed out my finals. i now ill do good but im still a little uncertain. i grew fern in my bioology class and my teacher is letting my take them home and keep them. im so proud of myself that i grew FERNS FROM SPORES, i have to sew them and everything. now i will have ferns in my new house. i feel so accomplished because not many kids in my class even had the spores germinate much less have them grow and mine are still growing. i want to keep them and make them live!

WEDNESDAY is my last day here!!! WOO HOO!!!! PARTY TIME!!! ;D

hmmmm

great weekend! on Friday Tessa came and got us. jesse was missing.... we got to meet her sister and mother. their whole family is so pretty and nice. we went ot yvonnes and had the bridal shower. grandma was there and i got to see wendy and timmy. it was so good to see all the family. that night grandma took us to her house.

tesa decided to poke me until i woke me up at 530. cheri came and took tesa and i got corbin. he has gotten so much bigger! he was good but he started to get a little grouchy. when mom came home she had walmart bags and i went through them and i found exactly what i was looking for, COOKIE DOUGH!!!! i ran into the kitchen with it in my arms got a spoon and ran back and sat on the couch and dug in. my mom said i was weird lol. i dont know why but i LOVE cookie dough. my grandma pointed out it says do not consume until baked on the front of it but i didnt care.

SKIP NEXT PHARAGRAPH, if you have a weak stumach...

after that a guy came to buy some sheep, not only buy them but slauder them. i went out to help my grandfather, hes old. it was good i was there because they needed some help. i thought the guy was gunna shoot them but i was so WRONG! he left to get whai thought was a gun but turned out to be a razar sharp knife. before he left my grandpa said, kelsey you can leave now if you want. i said no im good because i didnt know... the guy came over stepped over the sheep, inserted the knife and it went straight threw the poor sheep. there was blood flying everywhere and i could feel my stumach turning. its head just layed there with no ability to move it. finally we got it on the wagon to take into the barn. he broke off the holves with such force the just snapped like twigs under your feet. then he went to skinning it. first he started at the rear end of the sheep working his way around the legs. then went to the middle of her belly and inserted the knife breaking the skin. he cut back some of it then used his arm in a fist and shoved it between the skin and meat. when the ewe had no more skin he hung her up by the ancles, or where they would have been. he cut he from the back end down the middle. you could see her heart still beating even though she had been dead for more than 30 mins. all the organs feel out of her. the stumach fell out and bursted open. that was the WORST smell id ever smelt. it was worst then a dairy farm... it was bad. he cleaned her out and fed some of the fat to the dogs. at one point he told me to get a saw out of the cooler in his truck, not expecting anything i opened it right open and saw raw flesh from a pig. the also has me hold this part of the sheep, by her neck, no idea what it was, and then tie a string about it. i finally had to go inside from the smell and didnt help with the other sheep. i took a shower and washed off several times to get rid of the raw flesh smell and stumach acid.

didnt do much the rest of the day. went to cheri's and had dinner. then we went to walmart and i got hair dye. what color? PLATNUM BLONDE!!! i am that blonde, no but i am blonde. we got home about 9not sure. we started it about 10. it took like a hour and a half just to pull all my hair into the stupid cap becasue its so long and thick. we got the dye in, oh my goodness it smelt very ummm strong.. and i didnt wash it out until about 1:40, i may have fallen asleep with it in lol. we washed it out and it was looking oragne so i got upset and slep on the couch. i also dyed moms hair, it looks really cool... at least to me. grandma told me we looked ike twins now.

i woke up about 6 and went into the bed and went back to bed. mom woke me up around 9. we were going to redye my hair but we didnt. she told me they found a dead goat with a hole in it like it had been shot. no gun shots were heard all night so we dont know what happened. we were gunna go to church but mom didnt feel good so we didnt. time passed so fast sunday. i dint do much besides my homework. dad came early to get us for once, it made me mad because hes always late so i wasnt ready to go. grandma was making muffins but they werent ready since he was early. :(

i was a long trip but i had my phone which probably saved me. when i got home i had to change and go to BYD. my first one here and my last... cool. i got ice cream and we all stared walking home. i did call dad but he didnt answer so we jsut walked but kayla was still at the church so jerna went back. few mins later beth dove my slowed down then threw her hands into the air and sped off right passed us, i was like what the heck? on the way back she picked us up but she had so much attitude about it. heck i was trying to get home because everyone usually forgets about me.

i cleaned my room a bit and went to bed. woke up this morning and got dressed. its a good day. everyone so far has said they REALLY like my hair. about 7 people and its only 9 a.m. well todays gunna be a great day and nothing is gunna screw it up, NOTHING! ;P

in these days there is so much getting in the way of everything. i look up to all my family. the faith that each one of them has stuns me. nothing is perfect but my family memebers have been through so much, losing loved ones, medical blessings, and other emotional trials. even though you can say some of my family has been to hell and back, several times, they have so much faith.

the most inspiring person in my life, besides my mom, is my aunt Becky. i was recently reading her blog and it made me tear up a bit.she has been through so much but through all that, shes been able to grow even stronger. the loss of a child is not easy in one bit and i hope none of you have to ever expirence it or if you have, that it wont happen ever again. shes has more faith than i thought anyone could have. knowing that we will be with Logan again us is one of the best blessings the church offers. she is so talented and special, one of the most beautiful. i love her. you never know who your effecting with what you say and how you act.  Not only is she strong and never gives up, she has to be one of the sweetest people i know. she makes my faith grow so much more and makes me wish i had the faith and love she has.

Wendy is not only the mother, but she is so much more than that. she has the sweetest spirit and so much love for those around her. Her patience rises above all. i have never heard her yell or say an unkind word. she is so blessed by her faith. i look up to her everday. even when i was younger i remember how she was always so sweet. i love her so much.

The one thing i remember when i was younger was all the times i stayed with yvonne. she bought us easter baskets when mom couldnt. shealways helped mom out when ever you could and still continue to. Yvonne, shes been through so much an yet she so strong. i cant wait to live even closer to her. i always have so much fun with her and  love her more that anything.

The one person i can always go to for anything. the one who lets me know she loves me just by the words she says. Bridgette, i love you so much. i know mom looks up to her. shes so special and wonderful. she can always make me laugh and smile even when ive had a bad day. shes done so much for me and all my memories with her are something i hope i never forget.

Tessa, shes no my aunt yet but she belongs to our family. i dont know her well but she is so sweet. shes always so nice and a hard worker. im so glad shes willing to take us to our moms this weekend even though she doesnt have to. shes doing it out of the kindness of her heart.

i have to say, everyone one in my family has had their hand full of trials, some more than others, but they stick with it and work it out. their faith in our Lord makes me realize that through all the trials and tribulations we have to endure we grow stronger and are able to accomplish so much more. i am so greatful for the wonderful example i get from my aunts. you never know how your actions will effect someone, for good or bad. you may feel like no ones is paying attention but in reality the ones paying attention are the ones you least expect.

it may seem like i dont pay attention to you.its those little things you do. any times i see my family they ALWAYS ask how ive been and listen to me when i have a problem, even if its something little. i love the way my family is and how much faith they have. you never know who your effecting with what you say and how you act. make everything count because someone is watching you and learning from it. smile always becasue you never know who is falling in love withyour smile.

i know that a simple smile can change someones day... :)